Today our teacher made us write a letter to our future selves. And then as I wrote, it dawned on me that my friends aren't going to be here anymore. Well okay, some of them will still be in high school. But my closest friends, the ones who have been with me all four years will be in different states while I'm still stuck here. They're going to be what I miss most. And I still will have contact with them, but now who can I go to when I want to get away from home and watch movies with and sleep over? Who do I talk to in person when something happens? And it's like I'm almost crying now but I can't cry. It feels too easy to change my mood.

I have spent so much time this year crying. A lot more crying than I would like to admit to. So many things have happened. And I know I'm going to be crying a lot more from this point on because of all this, but right now I just can't because I don't know what to feel. I don't feel exactly overwhelmed but I know a lot is going on. I would just love to cry it all out except even when I can cry, it's not enough. I don't want to cry on my graduation night either because I hate the whole idea of the ceremony. I hate it and find it expensive and I'm graduating, so fucking what? But when I know what I'm going to miss, that's when it gets painful.

I don't know what to think because it's too much, but in short, I'm really not too optimistic about anything extraordinary and wonderful happening. I'm not looking forward to any of it. It's not so much terrifying as it is dreary.

What's happening is that I might go to community college and hopefully transfer to Northridge next year. May also take summer school Communication. I think every year after freshman year I took summer school and I thought that would end this year. Maybe not. But then again, if I have nothing to do now, I'll have even less over the summer. Maybe that's not such a bad thing I guess. Won't get to leave home. That's also good and bad, I suppose.

The education system is so confusing.

So it isn't much and I really hate it, but I should probably consider myself lucky that I have this opportunity in the first place. And setbacks happen.

I kind of feel like nothing I do really has a point anymore. I did everything right and I still failed. But that happens too, and the only thing you can really do is just pick yourself back up and try again or move on. I'm not giving up just yet but now I'm beginning to question whether this what I really want to do or not. I'm beginning to wonder what's really important because I don't know anymore. I don't know when to give up or keep trying. Since I was 9 I've been drawing and haven't given up yet. But hey, things will turn out fine. I absolutely hate that it has to be like this, but they'll be fine.

12 school days to graduation.

So to attempt to lighten things up a bit, I'm just gonna leave this here and pretend I wasn't awake at 4 in the morning watching this hope you discover the treasure of friendship and all that beautiful deep stuff.
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spoiler alert: the real treasure is friendship